Psychologist and psychotherapist Ewa Affek debunks myths about psychotherapy, explains what therapy meetings look like and how we can benefit from them.  

Why do people often postpone the decision to visit a therapist for the first time? Mostly they choose therapy when they feel terrible and problems have started to accumulate.

I think that since they have been able to cope without the support of a therapist so far, they may not consider this possibility. Or they don’t believe that therapy will be helpful for them. They may also be afraid of talking about their privacy, secrets, and difficulties that they may consider embarrassing. Even though more and more people decide for a therapy, people still do not talk about it as openly as they do about visiting a doctor or orthopedist. Often, this could be due to fear of the reaction of the environment (partner, family members, friends), of what they will say and what they will think. In childhood and adolescence, we learn to take care of our physical health, but we neglect to take care of our mental health – therefore, we are not used to that. The fear of visiting a therapist for the first time is also natural, because we do not yet know the person we will confide in. However, it is worth remembering that the psychotherapist’s primary goal is to help us. At the beginning, a relationship full of trust, acceptance and respect is created so that the patient feels safe and can freely talk about himself/herself. I think that the biggest concern may be the lack of awareness of how a visit to a psychotherapist looks like. 

So let’s explain what we can expect on our first visit.

First of all, the therapist will want the best for us. They will listen to us carefully, ask us about our difficulties, and at a later stage, using their knowledge, experience and therapy techniques, they will want to bring us closer to the desired changes.

Could you tell me more about the difference between seeing a therapist and talking to a friend?

The therapist does not judge, does not give ready-made advice, but works on solutions together with the patient. The therapist becomes a kind of mirror for the patient: helps to take a realistic look at the problems, puts attention on what you may not have noticed before, as well as supports to look at the difficulties from different perspectives. If we are stuck in a stressful situation, our field of vision often narrows. Sometimes, for some people, the therapy relation is also the first opportunity to establish trusting and safe contact. In my opinion, this is a unique, motivating and very helpful contact. Thanks to the therapy, we can fully release our emotions and openly share our thoughts. Additionally, it is a bit of a break from everyday relationships because the therapist is not connected with our lives.

In which situations can a psychologist help us if we do not suffer from mental disorders or we do not have serious problems?

It is worth deciding for a consultation or therapy when we experience difficulties in relationships, either private or professional. Work takes up a very large part of our lives and sometimes causes us a lot of stress. Its source is sometimes problems in getting along with your boss or co-workers. The therapist can also help us in areas related to family life, such as raising children or partnerships. In addition, therapy is also for people who want to develop themselves. You can become more attentive to your needs and emotions, which will allow you to take care of yourself more and make you feel more comfortable in your everyday life.

How exactly does a psychotherapist help?

First of all, it helps distinguish the areas over which we have control from those over which we do not. It is worth taking a special look at the matters that depend on us and considering what solutions can be taken. And when it comes to issues beyond our control, we work on accepting them or taking bigger steps to change them.

It seems to me that some people expect from a therapist to help them solve their problems really quickly. It happens that they hope to feel better after the first meeting.

It can be called the magic wand myth. Unfortunately, no one has the power to solve persistent problems during several meetings. I think that the choice of therapist is also very important. It can be compared a bit to choosing a partner – mutual matching is important. Another issue is therapy approaches, which few people are familiar with. A psychoanalytic therapist will work differently than a cognitive-behavioral therapist. Before your first meeting, it is worthwhile reading a little about these approaches and seeing which suits you better.

On the other hand, there is an opposite myth – we will return to the past and old traumas, our situation will only get worse…

Much depends on the individual case. Sometimes returning to the past is necessary to correct past experiences, openly express emotions or satisfy hidden needs. However, the amount of time spent talking about the past also depends on the therapy approach. In cognitive-behavioral therapy, talking about childhood and adolescence is primarily used to know about the patient’s coping methods that they have learnt in the past. Thanks to this, we can better understand the difficulties that arise in our present life. And understanding the problem is the first and very important step to make a change.

Let’s clear up the myth that a psychologist uses manipulation techniques, can read minds and will influence us regardless of whether we want it or not.

In fact, this is a mistake in thinking, because neither a psychologist nor anyone else can read minds. We may think that we know exactly what the other person has in his/her mind, for example when we know someone well. A good way to dispel your fears is to go to one meeting, during which the therapist clarifies all doubts and discusses in detail how the therapy process looks like. Therapist also answers patients’ questions related to the therapy techniques used during the whole therapy: how they work, how they can help, what is the goal of practicing them. Everything takes place in an atmosphere of transparency and trust. Reaching out for professional help may seem like a failure, but it’s actually an important skill. Seeking psychological or therapeutic support is an expression of self-care, a sign of strength, not weakness.

Interview conducted and prepared by: Sylwia Barbachowska, Magazyn Tu i Teraz